Love, The Bond Of Perfection: June 2010

So here i am,

in Raleigh, North Carolina.

currently im listening to Joshua Radin as my beautiful, lovley sister is napping. Right now my eyes are pretty tired and so small and swollen because yesterday was a very overwhelming day. Lots went on, and yes it was a challenge but it was good, really really good. Its funny how issues you think you have gotten over and that they don't bother you actually bother you even more as you get older. I realized that i thought it was over,that I've moved on and the issue was that one event but its not. The real issue is living everyday the way i am due to that one event, its continuous and it keeps effecting you. Its like falling off a bike; you think the pain and problem is falling and hurting yourself and you break your wrist. Its not the fall, i mean yeah it hurt but now you have to live with a broken wrist, and it lasts longer. There is an impact. The pain is no longer the fall but the outcome of that fall. So yeah i guess him leaving hurt me, and i thought that i dealt with it and got over the fact he left, and i mean to a certain extent i did, but that's not even the whole flippen issue. I guess this is a pretty obvious fact, but to me it wasn't When your in the situation you don't get to clearly analyze it. The issue is the part about living without him and going on everyday. The issue is growing up without him and him living without caring about the fact i am growing up. The problem is that he is OK with missing out on my life. The problem is that the more time goes by, the more he misses out on that he can never get back and it doesn't seem to bother or phase him. The problem is its been so long now and he is able to live with it. Its a choice he made and continues to make it and stick to it.

So yesterday was an altogether emotional day. The thing is i finally realized it was fathers day and than i realized my spirit knew that, and so did my heart and it was effecting my emotions. Its weird, fathers day to me was just whatever for so long, it never really bothered me nor did it phase me, until yesterday. I thought i was over it all, over the fact he left but yesterday i allowed my self to feel the pain and understand what has been going on in my heart and what i was trying to hide; the pain of the after effect. Its funny because earlier that day i knew it was fathers day and i was like yeah whatever. than later I was talking to a very Wise young lady who was giving me advice. We went from talking about one thing to another. So She says prays for me and she says "Thank you God how its fathers day and your loving on her and helping her to deal with these issues on fathers day because you love her and you want to be the best Daddy to her" and of course she said more, but that part made me see something that might of been obvious to others but i was so oblivious to it. My issues were pouring out of my heart, all the issues that i forgot about because God knew the day it was and he wanted to show me his role in my life. Hmm than they talk about love being beyond words and than it turns into a fathers love message. Ive heard the fathers love letter multiple times, Ive heard every word, heck i probably even know all the words to it. Its meant something to me before but yesterday as i listened to it, it answered every question that i had about my earthly father. Every heartbroken part of me and every thing my dad did not do, i heard God telling me he did it. I never even asked out loud, but my heart wondered so much about these little things i never felt or heard nor did i experience and yesterday i heard about God feeling all those things towards me. I know this is not over, not even close. But i know now what exists and i also know that all these void places and questionings and longings in my heart, God has heard them. Without me using a single word, he has answered them even before i asked. So yeah it was very hard and emotional but every single question plus more that i could of asked, God answered. I was struggling with the fact i am growing up and my father has missed most of my life, he has missed all the important things and it doesn't matter. I struggled with thinking how could he walk away? doesn't his children, his own flesh and blood mean anything? I struggled with how my father can live and chase after his desires knowing my ultimate desire was to have him in my life. I struggled with the questions of how can the man who made me, who i am a part of, who's flesh and blood is mine, not care if i die today, not care if I'm broken hearted and completely empty. How an he not care if I'm hungry, not care if I'm depressed? How can my father not care about my life? how can you live with the fact you don't know about me, your missing out on my life and that you CHOOSE for it to be this way? I struggled with understanding how so much time has gone by and i still don't matter, and his heart still doesn't care. I wanted to know why I couldn't please him. I wanted to know how a father could hold his child, know his child and live with his child and than one day walk away and never look back and care about that child again. How can you choose to not be in my life? How can you choose to be far from me? How can you choose to pretend that i don't exist? And how can you not love? how can you live with this? How can you know the feeling of pain and let me feel it too? And how can you watch your child cry and beg and cling to you saying, "daddy please don't leave again", "daddy don't you love me?", "daddy i need you", and know in your head your going to leave again? How does a father leave his child? How can you have no love and feeling for someone? Even animals know how to protect their young by instinct yet you have emotions and they still don't push you to love? How can you ignore me emailing you, begging you to come home, telling you how rough my life is and never respond nor return? How can you still be living, breathing and walking on earth and not care about your children? How is it possible?

and than God answered for me.

what is it like to have a father?

My Child,

i am his child, so i have a father.

How can you live without knowing your child, knowing if they are ok, if they are alive and well, without knowing a single thing about your child?

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

God knows me, he knows every thing about me, he knows if im alive or dead, if im sad or happy, he knows what i enjoy and take pleasures in and he knows what i do not like. He knows the music i listen to. He knows everything a father should. and than he elaborates on it..

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27

Who do i learn from? who is there to teach me? In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

I have no father and he left me, rejected me and doesnt want to claim me as his own. For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

You did not care about me, and you never loved me when i was concived. You hated who i was before i was born because i wasnt what you wanted. I was a girl. You didnt want to know me and you didnt want to father me from the begining. I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5 I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12 God choose me to be me, the Young Daughter he wanted so he could love her. You loved me while i was a child and you loved me even before my physcial esxistence. You are happy with me because you Planned to have me.

Why am i alive? My life is a mess, a pointless painful mess.You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth

and where you would live. Acts 17:26 God wanted me and he has my life planned, there are good things in the future. you were eager about my life and you made sure i have a home to live in with a roof over my head, you provided for me.

Was I not Enough? What about me couldnt get you to stay? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 God loves me, and i am enough for him, and i am wonderful full and worthy of his love and his presence in my life.

He didnt care about me when i was a baby, My mom was sick when she was pregant with me and you didnt take care of her. you didnt want to love me or have me. I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13 And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6 He made me and cared about me when my mom was pregnant. you brought me forth safely and you took care of my mom.

God you must not care about my life and its details and about me growing up, my father sure didnt. I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

My dad was so angry and he was always distant. When he was around his heart was close and now he is not even around. I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

He doesnt love me and He doesnt want to love me. And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

I dont have a dad and he doesnt want to be my father. Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

My Dad gave me nothing, he never provided. he left us empty and broken. No love and no care about if we survived .My father never gave me any gifts and he still doesnt care about my age or my birthdays. he has missed out on over half my life. I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11. For I am the perfect father. Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

My Dad left us, and my mom became the provider, he does not care if we have food to eat or if we die hungry. when we asked him for help he did not care. For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My dad doesnt care about my life or my future, he doesnt want to be a part of it. He walked away. My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

Does my dad ever think of me? Does he care? He doesnt even care about his own flesh and blood . My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18. And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17. I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

I didnt mean enough to my father, i wasnt worth sticking around for. For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I was not worthy of his time, nor was i worth of him raising his child. He did not care to help me become a good person or raise a child to be good. I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

My dad showed me a world of vioelnce, anger and pain. And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

I wanted my daddy back and i begged him not to leave, he didnt care how much my heart needed a daddy.My dad doesnt care about my heart, about my emotions and about what i want. What i want is not legitament. If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29. Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4. For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13. I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

You tore me down, you abused me and you stripped me of my confidence. I was a constant mistake and i could never stop making you unhappy. For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

My father doesnt care, i have been through so much heartbreak and he has never been there to hold me and love me. I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I dont know where you live and you are so far from me its as if you dont exsit in my life. When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

I do not have a place in your heart, you wanted me out so you closed it off . As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

I cried so much for you daddy. One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4. And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you

even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,

not against you.

Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression

of my love for you.

1 John 4:10

You left me for things that ment more. i wasnt enough you wanted to gain money and freedom. that ment more than me.

I gave up everything I loved

that I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,

you receive me.

1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you

from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party

heaven has ever seen.

Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,

and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…

Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad

Almighty God

^Ew, Old Photo Of Me.^

So,
Honestly, How to Contain myself i know not.
IM LEAVING!
departing, Clearing out, Heading out,
Embarking.

How will it turn out? well First off, i know ill be the darkest chocolate when i return from the sweltering southern heat and blazing sun.
But another thing i hope to be,
renewed.

Its going to be such an emotional journey for me, i know that. It always is such an adventure but this time it will be a bit more emotional and moving than it ever has been.
well after all, the marriage of your best friend, your inspiration, your motivation, your sister would never be anything less.

how do you prepare your self mentally? Honestly i keep thinking to myself, if i cry as hard as i normally do when i am that emotional, i will ruin all her wedding photos.

Of course its a beautiful thing, so amazing and ravishing.
But i cant pretend that there aren't some sad parts to it.
My sister is now a member of a new family, she is no longer what i am, she is no longer a Gautam
[hmmm doesnt sound too bad) no, but really, Its hard to watch your sister begin a new life and know this one is soon going to be her past life.

But im excited for her too, i love her and im so glad she is going to be a happy married young lady for the rest of her life. She will have a constant supporter, encourager and some one to love her at all times and take care of her. OH Boy knowing Rosy , she wont be holding back any of her stories... hmmmm uh ohh.

But really Raleigh is so much more to me than my getaway.
The Most amazing friends, Amazing Encounters with God, And quality time with the one who loves me most, my sister.

This is a different life that is away from the pains, struggles and even the goodness of the one here in Toronto. I get to have a different life, different routines and different agendas. I get to be free from what holds me here in Toronto, free from the same old repetitive stories, and the same old schedule. I get to be free from familiarity and discover adventure. Raleigh is a change from this life, and after all who couldn't use a little change?

So Raleigh here i come,
I hope your ready for me,
and that there is lots of extra Kleenex in the city, cuz after all ...
Rosy is getting Married!